[Jessie J Who’s Laughing Now plays. Perform in front of the mirror]

[Craig voice over]

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Lincoln Performing Arts Centre.

Please can I remind you to turn off your mobile phones and that flash photography is not permitted.

The flash is very unflattering. If you do choice to to take a photo and upload it to Instagram, then please use the Valencia filter

WARNING- Do not feed the Fatty. She may bite.

Thank you, and enjoy this evenings performance of The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fatty.

[Jessica] Rude…

My whole life I’ve been picked on for my size. I’ve been called Fat, Beast. Whale.

Jess is so fat, that when she goes swimming in the sea, people mistake her for an island.

Jess is so fat, that when we talk about pie charts in Maths, she gets excited. Because she thinks its pie.

Get it

[Forced laugh]

Really?

One of my personal favourite was Big Jess. I mean, what a way to state the obvious. This then got abbreviated to BJ. (Miming blow job action) B…J! well, if someone said that to me now I’d be like yeah, sure. Drop your trousers. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it in public. But that is another performance for past the watershed.

The point is I was bullied because of my size, even though I was not fat. Big, yes. But not fat. I mean i had an early growth spurt and was 5ft 8 when I was in year 7 and I had size 8 feet by the time I was 12 years old. Size 9 now. I didn’t fit in to the guidelines that society created, well, what my so called friends created. I wasn’t normal according to them. And I’m still not normal. I’m a fat drama student. But I’m okay with that and I’m hope you are too.

Good, well you’re going to have to be. If not you kinda missed the clue in the tittle. I mean I could have lied and said “the dance of the sugar plum beauty- who graces the stage, weighing only ninety pounds with her grace and elegance and only consumes air collected from the Welsh Mountains. But I somehow don’t think I could get away with that.

But your probably wondering why you’re in my bedroom. I mean I would if I was you. But this is my little thinking hub. It’s kinda like the headquarters for all the stuff that goes through my brain. For example

1) Did the dog just wink at me? Do you think it can hear what i’m saying in my head. Wink again for yes…

or

2) If I chuck the cat out of my window, will she land on her feet? The answer to that is yes, yes she will land on her feet but I do not recommend this scientific experiment.

Most recently, I sat in my bed and thought, why don’t I dance for my solo performance.

At the time, this sounded like a great idea. I’ve always wanted to be a dancer. I want to be that triple threat. I even asked my mum when I was younger for dance lessons. [Look at mum who is shorter than me.]

Mum… please can I have dance lessons. Oh please. Mum, mum can I have ballet lessons pleeaassee…. My mums response to that was “HA HA HA. Could you imagine yourself dancing. You’d look like a hippo trying to dance”.

I thought, okay, maybe ballet is not the way to go, what about Tap. [Look down to my mum] please please can I have tap lessons? Her response, “HA HA HA… You’d be as good as a snake trying to tap dance”. I looked at her confused then realised she thought she was funny because snakes don’t have legs. Well done mother dearest. Always trying to be funny.

But I did get my way. I became a member at Trevonne’s Dance School, and became a member of the Musical Theatre Class. I got to sing, act and dance my way to become that triple threat. But that didn’t last long. I managed to get to grade four with honours before my mum told me it was a waste of time and I should focus on a proper career.

But that didn’t stop me. I joined the shows at my school. One of my earliest shows was Fame. I don’t know if you know Fame but I was cast as Mabel. I was like, yeah… Mabel. I then read the description underneath the name Mabel and it said “WORLDS FATTEST DANCER”. [Look at audience] I was okay with that. I was a dancer. The world’s fattest but that didn’t bother me.

And now I am here, sitting in my Headquarters thinking FUCK because what I haven’t told you is that, I never really was a great dancer, and now I’ve said i’m going to dance I kind of had to learn. Queue the intense dancing regime.

[Rocky music plays. Do some stretches then sit on bed eating a packet of crisps.]

[The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy music plays. Dance]

End of show.